So you ask, how buff is buff?
Buff is an attitude
Buff is a state of mind
Buff is a place that you want to be
Buff is squatting until you cannot squat no more
Buff is deadlifting weights that bend the bar
Buff is benching until your spotter's sweat drips on to your face
Buff is black powder whispering in your ear that you will lift heavy ass weights
Buff is executing every lift with pure focus and form
Buff is the 3 x 8, the 5 x 5, the 5 -3 - 1.
Buff is feeling the pump, getting swole.
Buff is your Gold Standard, repairing you for more buff to come
Buff is hypertrophy
Buff is strength
Buff is power
Buff is supersets
Buff is the one rep max
Buff is Cross Fit
Buff is one more rep
Buff is two more reps after the one more rep
Buff is beast
So how buff is buff?
That is an easy question to answer:
Buff is buff.
I feel very embarrassed right now, in hind sight this is a pretty shizer poem that doesn't leave me feeling very hetero. I did want to try my hand at poetry, and I got to say I don't know how poets get any confidence in what they write - surely they feel like absolute douches. All modern day poets must be sexually confused hipsters or something. I am going to delete this after Anthony reads this so if you get to read this consider yourself lucky.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Happy Birthday..........Mother Fucker
Ok back on the gravy train beeetchez. It has almost been a whole year since I have posted in this blog. Probably because I found something better to do with my time and I was filling it with productive, self improving activities. Like watching Sparatcus - A show I highly recommend to all hetero men.
I am currently at Anthony's house, with Anthony at his house, and it his birthday today! He has convinced me to write something today seeing that he is 'special' for the next 24 hours. I even had to do a password reset on this bad boy. The amount of effort that I have already put in up to this point has been excessive, and I have not even written anything that is of any use. Sorry for wasting your time, but stick around matey, good shit will roll down soon I assure you.
Tomorrow we are going to have a day of Cross Fit - esque activities in honour of our cross fitting birthday boy. This idea excites me, yet scares the shit out of me at the same time. Why you ask? Because some genius mind thinks doing 10 100kg deadlifts As Many Rounds As Possible is a really cool idea, after doing two strenuous exercises prior.
That's the problem with these Cross Fitters. They are hell fit? Chris Barnes knows what I am talking about. They think they are hell cool with their so called 'kipping' and 'butterflying' and 'muscle upping'. Please, kipping is the same motion as you develop when you are a kid and your mummy or daddy can't be bothered pushing you on the swing anymore, and butterflying is a move best taught, not at an XFit gym but, by Cathy at Metros.
Ok before I get rained on by too much hate I should state that I am a Cross Fit fan. I have just been too much of a cheap ass to join their ranks. I'm no hater, just a poor C.
I am currently at Anthony's house, with Anthony at his house, and it his birthday today! He has convinced me to write something today seeing that he is 'special' for the next 24 hours. I even had to do a password reset on this bad boy. The amount of effort that I have already put in up to this point has been excessive, and I have not even written anything that is of any use. Sorry for wasting your time, but stick around matey, good shit will roll down soon I assure you.
Tomorrow we are going to have a day of Cross Fit - esque activities in honour of our cross fitting birthday boy. This idea excites me, yet scares the shit out of me at the same time. Why you ask? Because some genius mind thinks doing 10 100kg deadlifts As Many Rounds As Possible is a really cool idea, after doing two strenuous exercises prior.
That's the problem with these Cross Fitters. They are hell fit? Chris Barnes knows what I am talking about. They think they are hell cool with their so called 'kipping' and 'butterflying' and 'muscle upping'. Please, kipping is the same motion as you develop when you are a kid and your mummy or daddy can't be bothered pushing you on the swing anymore, and butterflying is a move best taught, not at an XFit gym but, by Cathy at Metros.
Ok before I get rained on by too much hate I should state that I am a Cross Fit fan. I have just been too much of a cheap ass to join their ranks. I'm no hater, just a poor C.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego?
That bitch was hot. I was digging her back in the day. For some reason I found her red coat so alluring.
How could she miss?
I am cursed with the recurrence of warts on my right hand, specifically on my digits. It's not very nice to look at, I feel sorry for people when I shake their hand, and it definitely does not pick up chicks. I've tried, doesn't work. Warts aren't hot.
I go to the doctor who I assume, after 6, 7 years of uni and an extra 20 years of experience, would have the skill set to burn off my wart. I was gravely mistaken. She missed...........how does she dab a cotton tip of liquid nitrogen left of my wart, and blister my hand for no good reason?
It shits me to tears that I did not say anything. I knew she missed....actually I did say something. I said 'You haven't burnt my wart'. She replied 'Yes I did, it's just warmed up again so it doesn't look burnt'. She was semi telling the truth. She fondled my wart with the liquid nitrogen, but then decided it would probably help me get rid of it better if she plunged it in to a healthy spot of skin just right of it instead.
It's a pity that I like this doctor. She's really cool....just not co-ordinated. I'll go and see her again for the second burn that never should have been needed.
THAT'S ANOTHER THING
I usually let the wart grow until it's huge and I cannot hold a normal conversation with people outside my inside social circle as I always catch them darting their eyes to my basically mutated right hand. Before you know it the conversation is based around my wart and how disgusting it looked and it always ended with 'You should get that burnt off sometime'. No shit mate. This time I got the burn in early so it would not look hideous and I would only have to get it burned once. So the moral of this story: A stitch in time does not save nine. A stitch in time is just practice for the other nine stitches that you'll probably have to get later.
Cool story bro. Yeah I know. Your fault for getting this far. If you have gotten this far you probably have enough free time to start playing starcraft 2. I've got to go pee.
Cool story bro!
I go to the doctor who I assume, after 6, 7 years of uni and an extra 20 years of experience, would have the skill set to burn off my wart. I was gravely mistaken. She missed...........how does she dab a cotton tip of liquid nitrogen left of my wart, and blister my hand for no good reason?
It shits me to tears that I did not say anything. I knew she missed....actually I did say something. I said 'You haven't burnt my wart'. She replied 'Yes I did, it's just warmed up again so it doesn't look burnt'. She was semi telling the truth. She fondled my wart with the liquid nitrogen, but then decided it would probably help me get rid of it better if she plunged it in to a healthy spot of skin just right of it instead.
It's a pity that I like this doctor. She's really cool....just not co-ordinated. I'll go and see her again for the second burn that never should have been needed.
THAT'S ANOTHER THING
I usually let the wart grow until it's huge and I cannot hold a normal conversation with people outside my inside social circle as I always catch them darting their eyes to my basically mutated right hand. Before you know it the conversation is based around my wart and how disgusting it looked and it always ended with 'You should get that burnt off sometime'. No shit mate. This time I got the burn in early so it would not look hideous and I would only have to get it burned once. So the moral of this story: A stitch in time does not save nine. A stitch in time is just practice for the other nine stitches that you'll probably have to get later.
Cool story bro. Yeah I know. Your fault for getting this far. If you have gotten this far you probably have enough free time to start playing starcraft 2. I've got to go pee.
Cool story bro!
Fucking Hipsters and their Fixies
Since I am now aware that people read this I may as well write it in a style that is more 'reader friendly'....maybe...I don't know I don't care you should really go do something more productive.
So I wake up this morning and start the usual shit talk with Ant. The majority of our conversations somehow find their way to hipster talk, and this one was no exception. I forgot who thought of it first, but we came to the idea that fixies, despite being fucking hipster, may actually be cool.
If hipsters use it, it must be cool right? I'm sorry but if you are thinking this you are probably a hipster or a hipster in the making, and you are living in your hipster delusion fantasy world where interior semiotics replays in your head over and over and over again. Maybe hipsters are cool? I'm not sure? Maybe you have to be a hipster to truly find out.....or maybe it's just best to play things safe.
Anyways so Ant is now giving me ideas.......a fixie may be the cool factor I need to boost my coolness past the point I set myself as a new years resolution. NO I HAVE NOT HIT THAT POINT YET BUT SHHHH BE QUIET. So we start contemplating, how much do fixies cost? It's a POS frame with one gear and no free wheeling ability, surely it will cost $100 or so right? Absolutely wrong. $400 for the cheapest fixie. I didn't believe the prices I saw online so I called up a shop for confirmation.
Ben Ngooi wtf were you thinking mate?
Out of curiousity I ask the store guy why people would purchase a fixie. Besides the simplicity, every reason he gave me seemed ridiculous, as if he was a delusional hipster himself. He wasn't he was just a salesman trying to do his job, but the fact of the matter is he was spitting shit.
So why are fixies so expensive if they are POS? BECAUSE OF HIPSTER DEMAND. At $400, surely there is excess demand coming from hipsters, and therefore the hipster population is growing. At $400, no wonder hipsters grow facial hair, it's because they spend all their hard earned money from the dole / working at a dodgy record store / working as a cameraman for interior semiotics 2, on a fixie and do not have enough money for a shaver! It's elementary my dear Watson! Anyways, if the hipster population grows to the point where they can no more be classified as a minority, are they still considered hipsters?
Ok so I think screw all this I am going to make my own fixie. I have an old mountain bike ready to be hipped up. Ant agrees that if this is done, all hipsters shall bow down to my superior hipness. This sounds very attractive - Duane Quek: King of the hipsters. I like the ring. Maybe the hipster way of life is for me? I google this idea, thinking it'll be easy. I was gravely mistaken. It seems like making something so damn simple is not simple at all. The complexity of converting an old bike into a fixie must be complicated by hipsters who just need everything to be 'artsy'.
Do I have something against hipsters? No.....I am just a confused normal individual who is perplexed about the culture. I feel like I cannot ever join your ranks as my ability to grow facial hair is just embarrassing, and I don't own one of those cool polaroid cameras. If anyone is reading this and they own a fixie, I just want you to know that I am uber jealous and I want a ride. Ben, can you ride back from Melbourne so I can have a go? Cheers bra.
Unfortunately there are no hipsters in the MCL right now....
If you are unsure of what a hipster is, please google 'look at this fucking hipster' or 'interior semiotics' and you will get the gist...or not...it's probably better if you just live in your non hipster world ignorance, as knowledge of hipster culture may make you want to pour spaghetti all over yourself and more some in the name of art.
So I wake up this morning and start the usual shit talk with Ant. The majority of our conversations somehow find their way to hipster talk, and this one was no exception. I forgot who thought of it first, but we came to the idea that fixies, despite being fucking hipster, may actually be cool.
If hipsters use it, it must be cool right? I'm sorry but if you are thinking this you are probably a hipster or a hipster in the making, and you are living in your hipster delusion fantasy world where interior semiotics replays in your head over and over and over again. Maybe hipsters are cool? I'm not sure? Maybe you have to be a hipster to truly find out.....or maybe it's just best to play things safe.
Anyways so Ant is now giving me ideas.......a fixie may be the cool factor I need to boost my coolness past the point I set myself as a new years resolution. NO I HAVE NOT HIT THAT POINT YET BUT SHHHH BE QUIET. So we start contemplating, how much do fixies cost? It's a POS frame with one gear and no free wheeling ability, surely it will cost $100 or so right? Absolutely wrong. $400 for the cheapest fixie. I didn't believe the prices I saw online so I called up a shop for confirmation.
Ben Ngooi wtf were you thinking mate?
Out of curiousity I ask the store guy why people would purchase a fixie. Besides the simplicity, every reason he gave me seemed ridiculous, as if he was a delusional hipster himself. He wasn't he was just a salesman trying to do his job, but the fact of the matter is he was spitting shit.
So why are fixies so expensive if they are POS? BECAUSE OF HIPSTER DEMAND. At $400, surely there is excess demand coming from hipsters, and therefore the hipster population is growing. At $400, no wonder hipsters grow facial hair, it's because they spend all their hard earned money from the dole / working at a dodgy record store / working as a cameraman for interior semiotics 2, on a fixie and do not have enough money for a shaver! It's elementary my dear Watson! Anyways, if the hipster population grows to the point where they can no more be classified as a minority, are they still considered hipsters?
Ok so I think screw all this I am going to make my own fixie. I have an old mountain bike ready to be hipped up. Ant agrees that if this is done, all hipsters shall bow down to my superior hipness. This sounds very attractive - Duane Quek: King of the hipsters. I like the ring. Maybe the hipster way of life is for me? I google this idea, thinking it'll be easy. I was gravely mistaken. It seems like making something so damn simple is not simple at all. The complexity of converting an old bike into a fixie must be complicated by hipsters who just need everything to be 'artsy'.
Do I have something against hipsters? No.....I am just a confused normal individual who is perplexed about the culture. I feel like I cannot ever join your ranks as my ability to grow facial hair is just embarrassing, and I don't own one of those cool polaroid cameras. If anyone is reading this and they own a fixie, I just want you to know that I am uber jealous and I want a ride. Ben, can you ride back from Melbourne so I can have a go? Cheers bra.
Unfortunately there are no hipsters in the MCL right now....
If you are unsure of what a hipster is, please google 'look at this fucking hipster' or 'interior semiotics' and you will get the gist...or not...it's probably better if you just live in your non hipster world ignorance, as knowledge of hipster culture may make you want to pour spaghetti all over yourself and more some in the name of art.
Friday, September 17, 2010
The Chicken and the Old Man
Ok I did it! I had a shower! I'm stoked, I actually followed through on that one! High five for me, oh yeah baby.
I had a shower epiphany.
The KFC logo is of Colonel Sanders, this lovable old bloke who is constantly smiling and takes photos with little children in a non pedo bear fashion. I have been studying marketing, and have learnt something called 'conditioning', where the brain makes links between things even if, on the surface, they seem unrelated.
Ok this is probably easier if I use my KFC example.
I believe that the head honcho's at KFC are genius's. Unlike all other brands who change their logos to make them look more '21st century', KFC has always used ol' faithful as their logo AND mascot. They are geniuses because they have created a conditioned response within us: Every time we see an old white haired man with glasses, we think KFC, and when we think KFC, we think of juicy, succulent chicken that will make us salivate, just like Pavlov's dog. This paired with the slogan 'Can't beat that taste', which is oh so true, makes KFC unstoppable. No wonder they drove out Hungry Jacks at Rivo.
My proof to this? Mcdonalds have basically scrapped Ronald Mcdonald in all their ads. Why? Because he was shit! People rarely see clowns, and therefore rarely got inspired to eat maccers because they saw a clown! Especially when the clown, like Ronnie Mac, looks like a fucking paedophile. This is in direct contrast with the Colonel, who does NOT look like a pedo when he is chillin with children. M Ron just looks too damn happy when he's around kids. Suspiciously happy.
Spot the difference? I can't.....Ronald, bit too happy there mate? Nice positioning bro.
I had a shower epiphany.
The KFC logo is of Colonel Sanders, this lovable old bloke who is constantly smiling and takes photos with little children in a non pedo bear fashion. I have been studying marketing, and have learnt something called 'conditioning', where the brain makes links between things even if, on the surface, they seem unrelated.
Ok this is probably easier if I use my KFC example.
I believe that the head honcho's at KFC are genius's. Unlike all other brands who change their logos to make them look more '21st century', KFC has always used ol' faithful as their logo AND mascot. They are geniuses because they have created a conditioned response within us: Every time we see an old white haired man with glasses, we think KFC, and when we think KFC, we think of juicy, succulent chicken that will make us salivate, just like Pavlov's dog. This paired with the slogan 'Can't beat that taste', which is oh so true, makes KFC unstoppable. No wonder they drove out Hungry Jacks at Rivo.
My proof to this? Mcdonalds have basically scrapped Ronald Mcdonald in all their ads. Why? Because he was shit! People rarely see clowns, and therefore rarely got inspired to eat maccers because they saw a clown! Especially when the clown, like Ronnie Mac, looks like a fucking paedophile. This is in direct contrast with the Colonel, who does NOT look like a pedo when he is chillin with children. M Ron just looks too damn happy when he's around kids. Suspiciously happy.
Spot the difference? I can't.....Ronald, bit too happy there mate? Nice positioning bro.
Commitment
I am going to go for that shower. I need to prove to the world that I am a man who can stick to his decisions, and make them work for him.
Wish me luck.
Wish me luck.
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